It’s an ugly beast. I hate it with every fiber of my being, but it has a way of sneaking up to you at the worst possible time. Hit me today at 1:20 PM. While at work. While on the phone with the clinic.
I’ve been having sleep problems (which mixed with depression and anxiety, your like a ticking time bomb), went to the doctor, did the tests, no idea why the fatigue. Doc requested a sleep test and a trip to a neurologist (headaches). Go to schedule the time for a neurologist and find out there’s a flag on my account. WHAT????? Get transferred to the business office. So not only am I broke as dirt due to student loans and credit cards BUT I’m also swimming in close to 2 grand with doctor bills that haven’t been paid. Ummmm……what? I know I paid them. Way back during last September. Nope, guess not, no fucking record. 🤨 so I tried to pay with my HSA which SHOULD have had enough. Nope, only 400. 😤 so I paid what I could, but was still blocked from setting up an appointment. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK! Like, how can this be happening???? I legit cant make it through work without some sort of power nap, if I can even make it to work, and yet, nope sorry we cant help you is the response I get? 🤬🤬🤬🤬🤬
So anyways, back to the depression….
All that’s going on while I’m at work, PLUS my coworker “can’t handle” the behavior kids so I got stuck with them.
I ended my day at work hating my life, hating my job, and just being done with everything. My kids are/were my saving grace. I’m not sure what I would have done if I hadn’t had to go to get them/feed them/care for them.
I have been holed up in my room since my husband got home, trying to pull myself together. It’s going splendidly awful.
I said I would be honest and open about my life. So here’s what I thought for most of the day:
-God, I’m awful
-I shouldnt be here.
-i shouldnt be anywhere
-Who needs me?
-Why am i such a fuck up?
-You worthless piece of shit (aimed at myself)
– Just fucking leave
-Nobody needs you
These are thoughts that are continuing in my mind. It’s awful, it’s hard, but I’m fighting. I’m trying to push through the thoughts, but for the moment they are winning….
Till next time