The never ending cycle

The featured picture is of my actual bedroom. This is depression. But it’s also anxiety. I’m so tired all the time, that I don’t clean. Then I see the mess and become anxious and worried. Am I an unfit mother? Who would let themselves live this way? Why cant you just clean the damn room? You are a worthless human being.

See how it spiraled from worried thoughts to self-hate? That’s been my life at a constant over the last 3 months. Meds, exercise, eating right, getting sleep…..nothing is helping. For the first time in my life I feel such self-hate that I don’t want to be around anymore. I question why I’m here, what’s the point in trying, and imagine just wasting away. My “friends” at work don’t understand and quickly leave conversations with me. My best friends get it, but they dont live close enough for me to see on a regular. My husband and children dont understand, and really how could they? They see me pull away and push away, but dont understand why or know how to help. It’s hard to help someone who doesn’t know how to fix the issue.

Mental health is real and needs attention. Check on your silent friends. Bring them a snack and make them eat it. Be there for them when they push you away. It’s going to be ugly, but leaving them alone will be uglier.

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